Crossroads
by DreamedUp
Summary: Sasuke wasn't alive. His life was in the past, always in the past, until his road crossed with Naruto's. But will he just move on further, as he used to, leaving Naruto behind, or will he finally return to life? NaruSasu. T just for fun.
1. My list of explanations

Ok, so this is really REALLY strange. I'm in some kind of a trance today, that's why I wrote THIS, and I mildly see what's gonna happen later, and I don't know how many chapters I'll make of this. Well, not too much, but I don't know the exact number. And I don't know the ending. And the chapter is short, but anyway - this is something straaange!

Disclaimer: *weeps*  
Rating: uh... T? I like this letter)  
Pairing: NaruSasu  
Warnings: I dunno if the ending is going to be happy or not. Sorry. And the point of view will change.  
Summary: Sasuke wasn't alive. His life was in the past, always in the past, until his road crossed with Naruto's. But will he just move on further, as he used to, leaving Naruto behind, or will he finally return to life?

* * *

**Crossroads**  
_Chapter 1. Naruto.  
My list of explanations_

* * *

Trees ran backwards with their leaves falling away from them. It was late summer, it was still hot on the road. Clouds on the sky were flying back, somewhere behind him. Always behind him. He was always leaving things behind. Wind blew in our faces and I felt the freshness of the air tickling his face. The roar of the engine was loud, that's why we didn't speak – we couldn't hear each other.

"What time is it?" I shouted out to him, but it seemed, again my friend didn't hear me. Sasuke motioned with his hand we were going to stop soon.

Today we went to the small village that I could never find on a map, although the other always did with perfect timing.

The motorcycle was turning from the main road to a tiny little path through the forest and I wondered about those days I'm not with him on his 'babe', because of my extra-studies. Such a shame he didn't want to join me there, although he said he didn't need them, since he wasn't the one who was failing his classes.

At those days I am the most peaceful, although lonely, because he's not with me, but out there, on the road, riding, riding and riding his babe, because this is what he's used to, this is what he loves. He told me that, although that wasn't satisfying my curiosity.

The forest trees shielded my eyes from the sun that was shining brightly into my face, although it was setting. Such a beautiful sunset, Sasuke loves those. I remember us watching sunsets together, that's when he told me he can't live without riding his babe, although I asked another question.

I wonder, how many nights I've spent by trying to find out why he loves riding his motorcycle so much. While I lay in bed I would think of millions of stupid things that could answer my question, and I would write a list of those in my computer and put it in the special folder. There were things like "Sasuke loves the motorcycling because it's shiny and he's secretly obsessed with shiny things" or "Sasuke loves to hit the road because he likes looking at the fast moving sky, although it moves backwards" or "Sasuke loves to ride on his babe because he gets to meet lots of people on the road and collect their conversations". I would always think of stuff like that about Sasuke, I would always imagine something, to help myself to explain stuff he refused to explain himself.

The trees ran backwards and we saw a small row of houses slowly coming towards us. We stopped near them and watched the sunset. We always did, because that was Sasuke's tradition before I started travelling with him, and he wasn't going to stop. I didn't mind anyway.

There are some times when I wish I had never met Sasuke. Because I wouldn't need to imagine stuff for him and type it down on my computer and trash lots and lots of gigabytes with it and never be able to ask him if any of those guesses were right.

"Sasuke loves travelling because he likes to look at the sunset from different places"

"How's math going, Naruto?" he asked me. We're not supposed to talk during the sunset, only after, but I guess, he got bored, or lonely, I didn't know, but I was glad he started talking to me.

"Oh, math is as it always is. Can't seem to grasp what really needs to be done" I lied. Why did I lie? I was always good at math, I was always good at what I wanted to perfect: whether it was a subject or an understanding of a person, or a person itself. But for some reason I seemed to continuously lie about certain things to Sasuke. Was it because I wanted him to pay attention to me? Was it because I wanted him to sit closer to me on the lecture to explain things quietly, so that out thighs would brush, and I wouldn't feel so lonely? Was it because I wanted Sasuke to look at me?

He always looked in front of him and I always sat behind him on his babe, and the trees were always running backwards and the clouds were always drifting quickly, although we were with our backs to them.

At college he would wear his sunglasses most of the time, and so I saw his eyes seldom. I wish I could see them more, they were beautiful, but sad.

"Sasuke is wearing sunglasses all of the time because he is scared the sun will dull his perfect shade of pitch-black. Such an idiot."

To tell you the truth, I'm extremely happy I've met him, because without him life would be just the same as it was the previous day.

He was always the quietest. College didn't like those, because the University didn't. College always encouraged people to socialize, join some enrichment activities, participate in the hot dispute on the lesson. But Sasuke wasn't the type to do that. They were all too stupid to see his value, he was brilliant.

Sasuke was always on the road, or thinking about the road, about the clouds that were behind him, about the stuff I don't know. We've met in the drama class – one of the enrichment activities, and he really sucked. I laughed at him until he said to me: "It's easy to laugh"

"Maybe you should pay more attention to the teacher in the class?" Sasuke said. I know he was just trying to be helpful, but I wanted to be helpful as well, that's why I got all offensive and stuff.

"I do pay attention to the teacher, and I just can't figure the darn stupid statistics! Are you inquiring I'm a lazy-bum?"

We loved teasing and getting offensive – that's what we always did, but I hated it, I wanted to stop. I never could though, because Sasuke was always getting offensive.

"You think you're worthy of anything? You're an unworthy piece of scum! Your parents have probably bumped your head like ten times when you were a kid!"

I never meant to get offensive, but I was always afraid Sasuke would say something like that. Lots of people did back when my dad worked in a mine and my mom used to spend all day long in the fields, leaving me to myself in the small house.

When I met Sasuke in college, my parents were long dead, my best friend was in the coffin next to theirs, my step father was already making a businessman out of me.

Yes, it's easy to laugh indeed. I always wondered why Sasuke bothered to talk with me at all that day, but I never got the chance to ask him. It's incredibly easy to laugh at somebody else, especially when you have to stop thinking about yourself somehow.

Sasuke was the one who told me: "If you don't want to do something, don't let other people take over your control. Even the most loved ones". I asked him why it was so necessary, and I wondered how he knew I hated business, but didn't have any other choice, because I never told him that.

"I am the person, who's controlled by other people. I hate it. I don't want you to repeat my mistakes"

I never knew he was not in control and after that time he never mentioned it. Sasuke was always on the road, always on his motorcycle, always riding his babe, visiting different villages, speaking to different people, watching different sunsets. How could he not be in control of that?

He always got offensive, but I wanted him to be vulnerable today. I was tired and I never told him I hated those rides with him even stronger than I loved them, and I wanted to tell him I don't suck at mathematics, and I wanted to tell him about the long list of my wonders, that trashed loads of gigabytes.

I wanted to tell him: "Don't cry, when you look at the sunset".

I wanted to tell him: "Don't look at the sunset"

I wanted to tell him: "Look at me"

I wanted to say how I felt about him, but I didn't know myself. "I love you?"

I touched his shoulder and he shuddered under my hand. I wanted him to stop riding every weekend, I wanted him to stop leaving the clouds behind himself and watch only how trees ran backwards, although they should run forwards.

Even though he always rode forward, he was always going backward. I wanted him to stop. I said "Sasuke" and Sasuke looked at me. I touched his cheek and he stopped crying. We were always friends, just friends, but that day I wanted to step over our friendship, cross the line, because I didn't want to be a friend.

I pulled his shirt towards myself and very gently covered his lips with mine. He never resisted, but he didn't do anything to encourage me either.

I asked him: "Just try" and he knew I wasn't talking about the homosexuality. He nodded and I knew he would do his best to try.

I didn't know what he was going to try. I just knew he needed to stop whatever he was doing to himself. If he needed me to help him, I would do anything.

"Sasuke loves hitting the road, because then I am with him and this way he's not that lonely"

I doubt that any of those in my files in the computer are true.

* * *

_To be continued..._

* * *

So is it weird?


	2. Search Notes

So, I'm sorry for the long period of time, but my computer caught a virus and was reloading itself every fifteen minutes just two weeks ago. Now it's FINALLY fixed and so I can post the chapter. About the other stuff, it will be soon. BY is getting ready, I couldn't acess it, since it was on my computer and my computer was dead, so, during these two weeks I'll do something to BY) As to this one, I had insperation during the non-computer time, and OH GOD, I had to write it down IN. PEN! Can you imagine this?))))) But anyway, yeah, I'm alive now and so I give you the second chapter. I hope I'm speaking to SOMEBODY, because, seriously, there are no signs of life, that anybody read this story. But I'm talking too much.

Disclaimer: *weeps*  
Rating: uh... T? I like this letter)  
Pairing: NaruSasu  
Warnings: I dunno if the ending is going to be happy or not. Sorry. And the point of view will change.  
Summary: Sasuke wasn't alive. His life was in the past, always in the past, until his road crossed with Naruto's. But will he just move on further, as he used to, leaving Naruto behind, or will he finally return to life?

* * *

**Chapter 2**  
**_Search notes_**  
_Sasuke_

* * *

"Sasuke loves the motorcycling because it's shiny and he's secretly obsessed with shiny things"

I wonder, what he meant when he asked me to try. First I thought he wanted me to stop this obsession with travelling whenever I had a chance, but as we started dating I couldn't be sure. The more we got acquainted with the idea of being lovers – not friends – the more I could see Naruto wanted me to try and be his boyfriend.

"Sasuke loves to hit the road because he likes looking at the fast moving sky"

I hate it when he says 'hit the road'. He uses the phrase incorrectly and it is important in English language to use words correctly. 'Hit the road' means to get out, to leave. I don't leave! I never leave anything, anyone. I hate it when Naruto says 'hit the road, Sasuke', because I don't hit the road, I'm merely trying to come back.

Northampton – no.  
Southampton – no.

I dreamt of that place again. It was dark and rotten and somebody was crying in agony behind me, but I was too scared to look back, I ran forward, I wasn't sure if people lying around me in the shape of arrows – with their arms clasped in a cone above their heads – were alive or not, I ran forward, I didn't know what I searched for, although I guess, it was my usual search, but what I found wasn't what I searched for.

Mom and Dad were both lying on the hospital bed, squeezed on it, their bodies half covered with the green blanket. "Do you recognize him?" somebody said, the room went cold, I was freezing, I didn't recognize him. Mom's eyes were opened, he had Mom's eyes, his hair was like Dad's, I still remember, my memory is as good as could be, I just choose not to say that out loud for everyone to know, for myself to know.

Sometimes it is healthy to forget. I forgot the wrong thing.

"Sasuke loves travelling because he likes to look at the sunset from different places"

Naruto didn't want me to watch the sun setting after we became lovers. He said it was making me too depressed, he didn't want me to be depressed. I'm not sure how much he knew, but I could see he felt something was wrong with me watching the sunsets. I can't bring myself to remember why this became so important to me, it's what I've forgotten, or want to believe I've forgotten, did I forget the wrong thing, I can't remember, don't want to remember, I remember travelling from London to Edinburgh with my brother on his motorcycle, that's what I can remember, but not the short trip to the small village near London.

Exeter – no.  
Plymouth – no.

For Naruto's sake I searched less. I could see he didn't want me to. I could see he was worried about me. I didn't want him to be, but he was upset when I didn't tell him anything, and he was hurt when I told him I went to another town again. That's how he hurt himself purposefully – he cared for me, but he thought it was not enough, he wanted to care more, he made himself worried because of me more, because he wanted to experience real emotion, he thought he was emotionless, although it was me, who was the one without feelings, but half my pain was too much for him, he became ill, but still he made me tell him where I went because he thought this is a sign of trust, but I made him ill with my trust, he had headaches for weeks, I didn't want to hurt him, I hated myself every time I couldn't control myself and continued my search, I hurt Naruto.

One day, after we moved to England, Itachi took me to Edinburgh on his motorcycle. It took us three days and lots of petrol to get there, and we didn't have enough money for food, so we almost starved, but we still managed to get to the city. Itachi's friends lent us money to spend in Edinburgh and asked us to stay with them, but brother refused. I remember wondering why he didn't accept the invitation, after all the hotels were more expensive than this, but now I know the reason. They were drug-addicts, and spending a night in their apartment would have cost a ten-year-old much more than what offered the hotel. But we still had fun with Itachi during that trip. We saw castles and endless fields, we visited the new and the old parts of the city, we were happy. I don't know how brother returned his debt to his friends.

"Sasuke loves hitting the road, because then I am with him and this way he's not that lonely"

This is the last fantasy he wrote on his computer, I wonder, how long had he been writing this many guesses about me, he never asked me about the reason I would search around the country, but he invented these foolish fantasies of me. Quite selfish.

I don't know what made me want to try both not searching and a relationship with Naruto, but something was different that time. I was looking at the sunset and for some reason I wanted to remember what I've forgotten, I kept thinking about the dream that I had the other night, about the bodies in the shape of arrows, guiding me, I was so scared, I thought about the fact that I didn't want to know if they were dead or alive, and I cried. I turned to Naruto, and saw he cried too. What was he thinking about that made him cry? Was it his numerous fights with his foster father? Or was it me?

I wanted to touch his cheek and say "Don't cry".

But I didn't.

Why didn't I? Instead I asked him about his college subjects, this was what he cared about a lot, this was why he refused to search with me sometimes, although that didn't bother me, because I didn't really need him. Naruto complicates things. We talked for some time and I even made him laugh, I wanted to smile, but I couldn't, I could never smile after my brother had gone missing, and I couldn't visit my parents' graves without him, I wanted him to come back, I waited for him, but it was as if I myself had disappeared and needed to come back, I'm not sure if Naruto could see this on my face, but he leaned in and kissed me. "Try", he said. Try coming back.

He left me that evening because I wouldn't talk, he took a bus back to London, it wasn't too expensive, but I paid for his ticket before he could help it, I remember thinking – worrying about his safety during the trip, because Naruto is so trusting, he could get mugged, or beaten, or something worse, I called him for the first time – he would always be the one to call me – and he said "I'm fine. Come back home". When I think about Naruto, my mind settles down a bit, I don't need to try to sort my thoughts out, they do this for me. Naruto calms me down.

I remember the first time we met in college and he was laughing at me, for some reason it was important, that he thought bad about me. Even now, as I read his fantasies about my search, about me, I still care. That is why I need to delete these stupid guesses, they are wrong, they are not me, Naruto has to understand that. He will hate me and leave me, because I am not his fantasies, and I will search alone again, but that doesn't matter, the most important thing is my search, Naruto has to know this, he will leave, I'm sure of it, but then I will be free, I will search more.

He Hated it when I wouldn't show up on our meeting place, because I left to search again, and he would look at me with those hurt eyes, and I would know I made him ill again, and I would promise myself I would stop doing this to him. But after I read his fantasies about me, while he was sleeping, I realized that my search is something much more important. Naruto won't understand, he never did, I don't blame him, I just want him to forget we were ever together, this was a mistake, he tried to be there for me, but I was never there for him.

"What are you doing, Sasuke?" he said, and I could guess, he'd been watching me for a while already.

"I'm erasing your files with explanations about me"

"What?!"

He didn't understand. He looked betrayed and I thought I've hurt him the most that time, but I didn't make him ill, I cured him, although he will never forgive me. But it didn't matter, because what was written wasn't the truth, it wasn't me, it was merely some foolish fantasy about me, it had to be erased, we live in a real world, we need to look truth in the eye. Yeah, that coming from me. But Naruto is not me.

Birmingham – no.  
Shrewsbury – no.

I can't remember the day my parents died. The plane, heading to England fell in the sea. Itachi did though. Probably that's why he started smoking crack. That is why he took other more serious drugs later on. We moved to England when I was nine. I remember how he bought a motorcycle and how he loved to take me everywhere on it, he took me to school, he took me to a dentist on it, I remember how we washed it and played with water and when we came home we were all soaking wet, and I caught pneumonia the next day, I remember all of our trips, he was like Mom and Dad to me, I remember the day he gave me his motorcycle as a gift, I was fourteen that day, the next day he went to the village not far from London, he said he wanted to meet some friends, he went on a bus, he never came back, I waited for him, but he didn't come back, I needed him to come back. When he gave me his motorcycle he said "Now you're old enough to take care of it", but I wasn't old enough, I needed him to come back, to take his words back, I wasn't old enough, take his motorcycle back and give me a ride like he used to. But he didn't, so I took the motorcycle and started searching.

My search is very important, much more important than Naruto's stupid fantasies and foolish hopes. He left me last night, we are not together anymore. Then why did he turn up today before my house and silently took his usual place on my motorcycle?

* * *

_To be continued..._

* * *

So, how was it? If you read this, give me some kind of a sign! At least wink!


	3. Letter to Sasuke

Pfew! I finally got into the account! It just wouldn't log in this whole day! But anyway, here's the third chapter. Again Naruto's point of view. And as to the BY, sorry, I'm working on it.

Disclaimer: *weeps*  
Rating: uh... T? I like this letter)  
Pairing: NaruSasu  
Warnings: I dunno if the ending is going to be happy or not. Sorry. And the point of view will change.  
Summary: Sasuke wasn't alive. His life was in the past, always in the past, until his road crossed with Naruto's. But will he just move on further, as he used to, leaving Naruto behind, or will he finally return to life?

* * *

**Chapter 3  
Naruto  
Letter to Sasuke**

* * *

The trees ran backwards, like they used to, when we travelled with Sasuke. The clouds moved faster behind me, just like those times Sasuke and I hit the road. And all the things, all the problems, all the happiness, all memories were left behind, just like Sasuke would always leave those behind. But today it's not Sasuke who did it. It's me. Only I hit the road today.

My foster father was unhappy with my marks, although they weren't really bad. Just not the perfection he wanted out of me. He told me "You don't have passion for it" and I wanted to answer that indeed I didn't, so he should stop making me study this stupid subject, I do not want to be a businessman.

He was angry when he found out I applied to the medical faculty. He said "That's it!" and that was it.

It's a pity I couldn't reach Sasuke on his mobile phone today. I wanted to hear him. I wish I could hear him, but they asked us to turn our phones off. I could do nothing but to comply. Really, was there anything I could do? After all he always turns off his mobile, so nobody could reach him during his search. Such a shame. I once believed I could.

I could never guess what he was searching. We've been to every town and city of England at least twice, I would have known what he was searching for, only he didn't look like he was searching anything. Moreover, he was reluctant to look around himself, anywhere we've been he would just walk forward with his face down, looking at his feet.

Oh, I remember how I begged him to stop searching. I cried and begged, and begged and cried but for him my tears were offending. Once again, he was being offensive, although I stopped already. Sadly I couldn't stop him, he was the one who was the first to do this.

When I was nine, I found three foxes in the forest near my home: mother, father and a little child. Just before my eleventh birthday, the fox family was shot. Only the baby somehow got a bullet in its leg, but by the time I found it, it lost too much blood to stay alive for much longer. When it saw me, it tried to run away, but I caught it, and didn't want to let go. I didn't want it to die, and I knew it would if I let it go.

It thrashed in my hands all the time.

That was just before I moved to England with my foster father. And just a year after my parents' death. I remember that for a long time I was scared of planes. Even when we flew on one to England I was almost hysterical. My foster dad kept worrying for me, he embraced me hard enough to strangle me while they told us the plane was going through the small turbulence. I remember he told me "Everything's going to be fine", and I answered "It wasn't fine for them", but he said "It won't happen to us, don't worry". I cried silently into his shirt, because I was scared, because I was small and the world around me was big and unfair, and people died in the air, although they were supposed to fly freely, like they dreamed before they invented airplanes. I cried because for the first time my foster dad felt like my relative, not like a stranger who took me out of the foster home.

I was still scared of planes last week when I found Sasuke's journal, where he had a map. Each and every town in England was encircled with red pen. And in the journal there was a full list of them in the same red pen. And near each and every town, city and village there was written just the same word: "No".

"Nothampton – no"  
"Southampton – no"  
"Middleham – no"  
"Oxford – no"  
"Cambridge – no"  
"…"

And the little fox thrashed in my hands, and I just wouldn't let go… wouldn't let go… not yet, it would die, I didn't want it to die…

Yesterday I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him how much I love him. I wanted to tell him I loved him for who he was, not for my list of explanations of him. I wanted to make him understand that he shouldn't search for something that isn't there. He will only hurt himself more in the end.

But I wasn't sure if these words would make any sense, because lately words don't speak truth in my mouth, even if indeed they are true. They are just words coming out of my mouth, rolling out on my tongue, the noise created by my vocal cords. They would never assure Sasuke unless I really felt my words. But sometime before I met Sasuke I stopped feeling my words. They are lies even when they mean truth. I didn't want my love to become a lie.

So I only said: "Please stop, Sasuke". I wanted him to look in my eyes and see what was left unsaid, I wanted him to know my pain for him, I wanted him to listen to me. But he looked in my eyes and his were on the offensive.

He said "Get out!".

He said "I don't want to see you, get out"

He shouted "Get the hell out of here!"

I wanted to say good-bye to him. But I got out. I came back home and tried to call him, but he was probably on the road already, leaving behind his hatred towards me, only seeing his goal before his eyes.

But I wanted, I needed to say good-bye. I called and called him, but his mobile phone was shut off. I couldn't reach him. No matter how much I tried. He was beyond my reach.

I wanted him to know I let him go. I wanted, but I couldn't and he wouldn't care anyway.

I wanted him to know he will never see me again. Because although he loves travelling, he never leaves his country. And my foster father is taking me to USA. Because that was enough for him of my rebellion and now he decided to take my future into his own hands. We're moving to America and I will be a successful businessman in the future. That's what he wants. I can not stop him.

The little fox. I remember it thrashing in my hands, all the time. It thrashed and thrashed and thrashed and it absolutely refused to understand my soothing words and pleas to not die alone in the forest. Foxes don't understand human language.

It died in my hands. When I looked at them, hoping to find at least the reassurance I did all I could to save the baby fox, I saw its blood.

"Sasuke, I've tried to keep you in my hands for too long"

When somebody close to you dies, to ease the pain you sometimes start to write letters.

"You thrashed in my hands for too long"

I decided to write to Sasuke. Not because he died, but because it felt as if I died.

When hours later my foster father found me in the forest with a body of little fox in my bloodied hands, he told me:

"Sometimes, to save a life you need to let go, Naruto"

I remembered those words. But I still couldn't let go. I couldn't let go when we sat on that plane and I was so scared it would fall like mom's and dad's did. I couldn't let go when I started dating Sasuke. I couldn't when I stopped.

"Sasuke, I free you. I let you go"

Because sometimes to save a life you need to let go. I wrote the letter yesterday to Sasuke, although I had no time to send it. I'm not scared of planes anymore.

But I still want to call him, I still want to let him know, I still want to say good-bye.

"I miss you already"

The plane started to move, and trees ran backwards and the clouds flew faster behind me. I can't help but remember our yesterday's talk.

"Sasuke, I'm sorry"

That time, when I asked him to stop his search. He said "It's none of your business". Indeed. I said "Whom are you searching?" and he answered "How did your parents die?".

I said "When I was nine my parents died in the airplane that fell into the sea. They were heading to England". He looked at me with hurt eyes suddenly. I didn't understand why. "What was the name of the airplane" he asked sharply. I couldn't understand why suddenly he was so worried. I told him "There was only one plane that year that fell into the sea near England". And when he looked at me with those betrayed eyes, with the raw hurt on his face, with his clenched fists at his sides and an angry voice in his throat I understood what was wrong.

Same plane. His parents were on the same plane.

And he told me "Get out!"

I didn't understand why he hated me.

He hissed "I don't want to see you! Get out!"

Why did he hate me?

He shouted "Get the hell out of here! Now!"

I never had a chance to say good-bye.

* * *

_To be continued..._

* * *

So what do you think? I'm not sure if the letter is a good idea...


	4. My last diary

This is the last chapter, I hope I didn't spoil it. For those of you that are fans of endings when Naruto is bitter and Sasuke is sorry, I apologise, but I can't do it like that. I hope you will like it anyway, and don't forget to review if it's not too difficult for you. My roommate is watching some vietnamese melodrama, lol! Sorry, getting off topic here, but still))) I hope you like the story)

Disclaimer: *weeps*  
Rating: uh... T? I like this letter)  
Pairing: NaruSasu  
Warnings: I dunno if the ending is going to be happy or not. Sorry. And the point of view will change.  
Summary: Sasuke wasn't alive. His life was in the past, always in the past, until his road crossed with Naruto's. But will he just move on further, as he used to, leaving Naruto behind, or will he finally return to life?

* * *

**Chapter 4  
**_**Sasuke**  
My last diary  
_

**

* * *

  
**

He is just like me, he once told me that, I didn't believe him, how could somebody so bright and happy be like me, how could he smile if he was like me, but in the end he really was like me, although I couldn't understand how this could be possible, so I started wishing I never knew him, I wish I could forget Naruto and I do, in fact I can feel forgetting him, because it's not as painful to forget than to remember, I'm forgetting his smile, so beautiful and wide – making me want to smile like that too, I'm forgetting his eyes, so blue and honest, I'm forgetting his kiss – it could make me fly… What was his name?

No!

Plymouth – no.  
London – no.  
Northampton – no.  
York – no.

My search becomes the more occasional, I don't have a system anymore, I just look everywhere for him, I don't know what I'm doing, I can not find him, I need to, he used to laugh at my silly jokes because he liked my humour, and I didn't even see it, he used to reassure me when I was sad even though I tried to hide it from him – whom am I talking about? – he always made sure I've eaten before the ride – am I talking about Itachi? – but he isn't here now, I need to find him, he is the only one who can make me laugh – am I talking about Naruto?

His name is Naruto! I can not forget it. I must not forget it!

He said his parents died in that plane, Mom and Dad were in there too, did they die instantly or did they suffer, Itachi always made me not think about their deaths, they might have gotten acquainted, and my Mom could say "Pleased to meet you, although I wish we'd met under different circumstances" because they were going to die, or that could be Naruto's mom who said it, Itachi would make my nightmares go away with the song Mom used to sing him when he was little, he bought a motorcycle for me, because I really wanted one, but I wasn't old enough to ride it, so he was the one by the wheel, but he always took me everywhere on it, my thoughts get confused, it's Naruto's fault, he always brought peace to my mind, Itachi sang terribly but I still liked it, Naruto's confusing my thoughts, I can't remember brother's voice, he left me, I told him to go, I wish I never did, I want to forget, I wish I never met him, Naruto is like Itachi, he is nothing like my brother, I do not understand my thoughts, I-

Northampton – no.  
London – no.  
Oxford – no.  
London – no.  
Cambridge – no.  
London – no.  
London – no.

I've searched everywhere, then I searched again. And when I didn't find him I searched more. I looked in all the cities in England and visited his home in London, he was never there, he left the photo of the two of us on the table – whom am I talking about – this is happening again, can I live through the second time, my past left me, but my future? My present? Naruto?

How could he be so happy and alive, how could he have those wide eyes, how could he smile so hard, how could he be so passionate, how could he want to save me, when his parents died the same terrible death as mine did?

Ever since he found my diary he tried to stop me from searching, he was trying to worry for me again, he came every day and asked to stop and every day I could do nothing but disobey his pleas, my diary got all written over: "Cambridge – no, Southampton – no" I couldn't stop, it was important to find him, much more important than Naruto, I started wondering why would he sacrifice himself for me, he didn't have anything left except for himself, and I wanted to know how his parents died, "Milton Keynes – no, York – no", he never told me, but always talked about his foster father – insignificant man, while real parents are whom he should talk about all the time, and the last time he came I asked him, and he told me about the airplane. I hated him. How could he be different from me if he was the same? How dare he try saving me if he needed saving himself? How dare he not need saving?! Why didn't his thoughts mix up and become confusing and make him want to try to find some way to stop from confusing, why didn't he look lost and alone, why was he trying to save me, why didn't he feel the cold weight in his lungs, why was he saving me, my thoughts are confusing again, I can't stop them these days, I want to end my search, but it can only end if I find him.

Some town – no.  
Another town – no.  
Don't remember the name of the town – not there either.  
London – where are you?

There was always something I knew I forgot, and I knew I wanted to forget it, but when Naruto left I started wishing to remember, it was something connected to Itachi, it was connected to my search. When I first tried to find Naruto I went to his house but found it hollow with his absence. There was no furniture, no pictures, nothing in the kitchen, nor in the living room, nothing in the shower, Naruto's bedroom had only a desk and a photo where me and him sat on my motorcycle, I looked at the photo, he always wanted me to stop searching, it was doing me nothing good, I thought he was just making himself more worried over me but I knew something was wrong, Naruto thought he didn't feel enough but I was the emotionless one, I hurt him and gave him headaches, sometimes he had fever because of me, he never said that, but I know when mind is very emotional, it can make body ill, Naruto was always very emotional, I sat on his bed and thought I was such an idiot, ruining what I had with the person that loved me so much and the person I needed to calm my thoughts, I wondered how I ruined it, I wanted to know how it started, I remembered the day Itachi left, but it didn't start then, it started later, the day I went searching for him in the town near London, where he went when he didn't come back, I wanted to remember that day, it was the day I forgot.

I arrived on the motorcycle by noon. I spent most of the money on petrol, because I didn't think of anything but finding Itachi that morning, so I didn't take enough money. The sun was burning my eyes and I had to shield them with my hand. I was walking along the streets asking the people around if they'd seen the man on the photo. The man on the photo had long black hair, dark eyes and wrinkles on his face. He wore a black suite and he was looking at the smaller boy whose eyes were full of tears. If you looked closely to the photo you could see the boy and the man were on the funeral. It was about 7 in the evening when finally I stumbled over the person who'd seen my brother. They took me to the place that reeked of antiseptic. It was a little dark and the walls were of light green colour. There on the hospital tables lay figures covered with green cloth. The faces of the men in white robes were also green. They put the cloth half-way down one of the bodies and asked me if I recognized him. I didn't want to recognize him. So I said no. And I vomited. He died of the overdose of some strong drug, they said. I vomited again.

I sat on the hill later that evening and watched the sun set. I didn't want it to set. I wanted it to stay in the sky forever, so that people would drown in the blissful blindness and denial. That is why I forgot that day.

I don't have enough money for the ticket, I need money, he is there, I can get to him if I find money for the ticket, I sold everything I could: my house, my computer, my furniture, all of my possessions, all of the photo-frames, millions and millions of diaries went to the recycling so I could get money, so then I didn't have place to write the towns I visited on my search, so I wrote them on my hands with my pen, I sold my pen. I sold the teddy-bear my brother gave me for my 13th birthday, I sold all the family treasures – let them all be useful to somebody, they're useless to me, they're just my past, it haunted me for too long. I didn't have anything to sell in the end. I was left only with my motorcycle.

The first week after I told Naruto I never wanted to see him again, I was calm. I searched for my brother as usual not thinking about anything else, leaving all of the unnecessary thoughts behind. Just as usual. But once when I was halfway to some town – don't remember its name – I forgot Naruto wasn't behind me and turned to ask what the time was.

Behind me was nothing.

I was worried after that and tried to call him, but he didn't answer, his phone wasn't operated anymore, I continued my search, my thoughts drifted to Naruto all the time, I started to forget whom I was searching for: Itachi or my ex-lover, I couldn't stop thinking about his sunflower hair and big happy smile, my thoughts were getting mixed up all the time, in the end it was him that I searched for and not my brother, I visited his house but in the yard was the sign "For sale". He wasn't at home, I started searching around, I came back every time to his house, I almost started living in it, hoping he would come back, but then somebody moved in and I couldn't wait in his house anymore, I continued my search, I didn't know what to do so I searched everywhere and without a system, the guy on the street had blond hair so I thought it was Naruto at first, but his was long and he smiled ugly. "I know you, kid. Your bro was my best friend, I provided him with the best product, you know. Want any?", I would have strangled him, I would have killed him and shouted and cursed and told the police, but I was at hurry, I needed to find Naruto, this guy was in the past, Naruto was more important.

I remembered the time I thought my search was more important than him. What a fool.

This guy from the company that sold the house told me Naruto moved to USA, of course, he told me his foster father was very fond of it and wanted him to one day be a successful businessman in that country, I went to buy a ticket to America and arrange a visa, but I didn't have enough money, I needed to get it, I sold everything I had but they still asked for more, what could I give them, I only had my motorcycle left, "There is a company in need of mechanical parts, that should be enough to pay the rest of your ticket", but if I sold it, how would I be able to search for Naruto, I needed to calm my thoughts, I needed to search for him, I-

London – no.  
London – no.  
London – no.  
No. No. No. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no nonononononononononononononononononnonononononononononononononononononononononono…

I managed to find his address, it was an apartment in Manhattan, I stood before the door but couldn't ring the doorbell, I couldn't knock either, there were voices behind the door, one was Naruto's and I felt so excited, the other was male and old, probably his foster father, they were fighting, I wasn't the part of Naruto's life anymore, what was I doing there, I told him to go and so he went, I was so stupid, how could I ever hate Naruto when I should have hated myself.

And then, just like that I realized that I love him.

I washed my hands and now they're free from ink, all of my diaries are long gone in a recycling machine, I burned my map of England and I do not live in England anymore. Not a trace of my search. Not a trace of my past.

I kept standing there in front of his door until he opened it angrily, upset with his foster father's harsh words. When he saw me though, he was too shocked to remember the fight with another man. I felt my thoughts calming.

"What are you doing here? How?"

I felt my thoughts racing frantically at the sound of his voice.

He looked me over but stayed silent, I wanted him to say something, it was a question of life and death, I needed to hear his voice, I thought that without it I might die, so I said "I'm sorry" and Naruto asked "Where's your babe?", and I told him "I sold it".

He kissed me right in front of his foster father and I knew it would be alright. Because I love him.

He asked me to call Sakura, our new friend, and tell her about his birthday party, he'll be twenty-seven tomorrow. It felt so strange to celebrate our birthdays together, although we've been doing it all the time these past years, but this year is special, since we finally moved in to the new apartment and his foster dad stayed in the other one, he told me to call him Dad, he's a nice man and Naruto loves him, although back when I was still searching, he had some issues with the man. I only write diaries when I think of my brother, but that doesn't happen often and if I had to donate recycling stuff for Naruto's company, I would only gather a couple of pages of paper and loads of cans of coke.

"Hello, Sakura?" she is so annoying, but Naruto likes her, sometimes I get jealous about this but he doesn't need to know. "Yeah, but I wanted to tell you that tomorrow is Naruto's birthday, I hope you remember. I just inquired I wasn't hinting at anything! Oh shut up! Anyway, he asked me to invite you to his birthday party and it's gonna be tomorrow at 6pm in our apartment. Yeah, yeah. Right. Sure. I am not jealous! Good bye, Sakura!" Bitch!

I need to finish this diary note because I have to go and buy him a present for his birthday now. Yesterday night I was thinking about everything that happened before we became lovers, and as I looked at my beloved, sleeping right beside me and felt my thoughts get confused and mixed up. But that was Ok. Naruto was there.

* * *

_The end._

* * *

What do you think?


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